I shared in the bar how I would feel some serious self loathing sometimes..

…I get is ANGRY, very ANGRY, at how fat and ugly I am, and feel undeserving of all my nice designer stuff and PUNISH myself by withholding shopping from myself (very piantai I know) till the phrase passes and I love myself and am the usual egoistic narcissist again…

It’s very complicated, this love hate relationship I have with myself.

I didn’t expect a flurry of responses from like minded friends..(names are withheld as I don’t know if they are comfortable revealing their innermost thoughts here… after all the bar is a closed door private forum)

I hate going shopping these days.
I find that I can’t fit into anything that I used to be able to fit, and many of the clothes I used to love just doesn’t look good on me anymore.

I hate my double chin. I can’t even yawn without not covering it.
I hate my fat fingers. Even my Tiffany’s can’t distract me from how my meat bulge from the band.
I hate my arms. Look like my model’s thighs. ’nuff said.
I hate my thighs. Fat, Stretch marks yadda yadda.
I hate my tummy. I look good in maternity wear.
I hate the horrendous stretch marks that appeared at both sides of my waist.

Shopping trips used to leave me feeling good and happy.
Dying to prance around in the new dress and show off my gorgeous bargains.

These days I feel significantly depressed about my self-image.
Nothing fits and nothing can hide those screaming flaws.

I hate myself.

- - - - -

Then certain days. I really don’t give a shit abt everything.

Hey! My life is good okay! What’s there to complain?!

- - - - -

So yea… I know how u feel. I think. :/

and…

Oh don’t remind me about my double chin.

I hate my arms and fat sofa-stuffed backs.

My tummy. I look more pregnant than a 5 mth preggy woman.

I wish I have more self-discipline. Sloth is the biggest obstacle that is obstructing my path to fitness and slimmer body. And also my career.
I could go so much further and higher if I could actually just pick my ass off that chair and go do some serious work. Seriously.

I like my frame - I wish my hips were wider though. So that when I do my bellydance the side protrudes out even more. Heh more hourglass.
I am top heavy and that includes my arms back and tummy. I can’t hide those. I can hide wide hips though.
But that’s another story.

and…

Can I loathe myself for making the wrong decisions and making mistakes for all the important things.

Sometimes I feel like strangling myself for getting into sticky situations tt I have to pull myself out of and hurting myself in the process.

Like digging my own grave. U know? U know?

and…

sometimes, i loathe the way i get emotional and all about somebody else’s problems.
sometimes, i loathe the way i’m thinking of my life.
sometimes, i loathe the way just about everything that doesnt go my way.

but days go by, i see the light of why i am emo - because i care.
but days go by, i know im just wanting more - to fulfil the primordial urge to advance.
but days go by, i get things going and hey - everything happens for a reason.

when faced with difficulties and difficult situations, we fret and dun know where to go.
we punish ourselves for all these meagre setbacks and spiral downwards.
but being mere humans, emotional and prima of all species, we accept and move on.

and we grew stronger.

and…

loathe the way clothes hang off me, i feel like a wire hanger.
i loathe that there are so many pretty clothes out there that i can’t fill up nicely.
i loathe the way i feel sometimes, like a walking washboard.

i loathe what the society deem perfection.

and…

I also loathe many things about myself. I hate how the weighing scales dictate what food I eat. I hate trying on the clothes here cause somehow nobody has big hips and big thighs and so I can’t buy pants.

and…

i hate my tummy as well n my arms…lazy to do sth abt it…

and…

i hate how i fall sick on an average of once a month. and i definitely hate how it affects my work because my performance is pretty alright and they have their expectations of me, but it’s always the bloody MC records that pull me down.

i hate how skinny i am. sometimes people say skinny people have it better, but i swear i don’t. i hate the gaping hole of clothes at my arm areas. i hate how i can’t wear the big watches which looks huge on my wrist. i hate how certain clothes make me look like a child in them. i hate how my small boobs make my clothes look ugly at times.

i hate how i have eczema on my leg and it’s taking eons to show a slight improvement.

 

************

Yes, so I was surprised that so many other people feel self loathing, albeit for different issues and perhaps at different points of their lives. For me, I get afflicted sometimes with the Ugly Rachel syndrome, where I feel so innately ugly that nothing looks good on me, I feel like a blimp (but of course) and I hate my boobs (so bloody in the way).

It sometimes gets so bad that I have visions of slapping myself, cutting my fats out with a knife and piercing my skin and watching the fats ooze out. (not that I ever did, relax..)

But I would always bounce back to my usual buoyant I can conjure the world confident self and pally with the skinniest models without nary a self doubt.

After all, I work in fashion and it is dangerous to say the least, not to possess some manner of confidence and a healthy dose of self esteem.

 

Do YOU ever have moments of self loathing?