Lately, I have been feeling restless and empty at turns. I twittered it as having an existential problem and desperately needing to do something meaningful. An attempt to garner various perspectives in the bar got me a few constructive and insightful responses and of course I also got the typical meaningless word waste.

DPL said, “actually in times like this, i take time off and be alone, somewhere close to Nature and observe the simpler things of life.
Be it the countryside, rural areas etc. I just reach out and talk to people…Or just try surviving alone in the wilderness.

And think. reorganize. and act.

You’ll be amazed to learn so much about others, and evidently - about yourself.

It’s true that when we learnt that we can achieve much higher, we forget the simpler things in life that keeps us going.”

“Always keep a pet rock.

No fuss, and you can throw at the next dumbass that comes along.”

visceral said, “life is what you make of it. some are born and made whores by their parents in rural thailand, some are caged and naked in some eastern European state, some (like Mavis) imagine themselves to be God. If you dont decide how meaningful your life is, others will decide for you through their banter.”

vandalin said, “My 2 cents worth?

You’re bored.

There are some of us who are born with a need to keep challenging ourselves. It’s a question of how we channel that motivation.

Here’s something to start with.

Personally, 10% of your time and money goes into paying whatever blessings you have forward. How you want to do that, you decide.

Business-wise, do you want to expand your business to something beyond what it is now? As cliched as it is, is there a “next level” you want to move your business to?

Physically, well you’re already taking up belly dancing. And I accepted a challenge to get 4 pecs in 1 month and 6 pecs in 2.

Mentally, learn ONE thing more about the business you’re in or in a field that you’re interested in. Business, that’s a biiiig field.

Well this oughta keep ya occupied for a bit. :P”

Fitti said, ” You mentioned before that you worked for many years (14?) so maybe in a way, you feel that you always have to get more things done even when you are already up to your neck with the business and motherhood etc. Doing good for the society (if you are considering that) is excellent but you have to do good for yourself first. Take more time to be with yourself (I love spending hours in the library too!) and re-examine your goals. Most importantly, get more rest and make sure your back recovers completely before you attempt anything more”

Thiang said,”If I were you, I would go for a holiday as well. Somewhere far away to experience a different kind of life culture, see things, clear the mind and look at the world from another perspective. Be it China, Korea or Spain, just let loose and see how people live can be so enriching sometimes.”

THB said, “A beach holiday, a very good book and a nice bottle of red wine set things straight.”

RN said, “But I think her problem is more than taking a break. She’s leading a very fulfilling life, not the empty life of a mindless yuppie (DPL you know who I am talking about). She cares. I guess it could be a 1/4life crisis also. Hang in there. If all else fails, apply Mandy-distraction.”

Princess said, “Hmm.. sorry hot mama.. I really think that no matter what I say here wont really help you that much.

Just can tell you to be thankful for everything that you have because YOU are the one that made everything happened.

Not everyone can be as independent as you are. And we are all proud of you”

It was good to get perspectives from everybody.

I thought about it long and hard, wondering why on earth do I feel this ennui, this sense of restlessness when essentially I have what I wanted.

A business, a family, a life of leisure.

I think the problem here is this, and I think Vandalin and Fitti got the essence of it.

I am bored and I need more challenges. During the start up of the business, I had to do a million things, multi task all at the same time while juggling the family and household, but I love it. I loved every minute, despite the extreme adrenaline and exhaustion cycle.

Now, the business is taking care of itself, I have orders coming in every other day, but I am strangely dissatisfied. Truth be told, I miss the crazy mayhem with the ex boss. I miss being needed, being the magician who conjures the rabbit out of the hat. I miss the hectic pace if that is even possible.

I miss being the Superwoman. I need to be that woman juggling career, children, family and household.

How sad is that?

***

I got his Letter of Reference today. The usual words of praise (conscientious, hardworking, intelligent etc) aside, the sentence that really moved me was

“She will be an asset to whichever company she works in, and I would have no problem recommending her for a similar position”

This came from a CEO and a highly respected man in the Jewish and business community. It means a lot and it invoked a deeply bittersweet satisfaction.

On a happier note, the business and I will be featured in a Style Insider piece in my favourite magazine in June!!! You can be sure I will post the toot toot piece here.