Friendly warning: this post contains contents that might or might not agree with you and your beliefs. I have never shied away from blogging about things or issues that differ from the cookie-cut opinions, so accept that everyone has his or her own POV, hokay? And please, none of the “I am offended” nonsense please. If you don’t like what you are reading, please stop, and exit.

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Sometimes I ponder on this when the thought wanders unwittingly into my mind. It requires a certain amount of honesty to be able to ponder and delve beneath the surface of what we present to the world, I reckon.

What defines me as a person?

My work? My business? Money? Being a domestic goddess? My children? Marriage? Intelligence? A big heart? Just a few points that I ponder deeply upon either in the course of my journeys in cabs (oh, so good for reading, pondering and none of that personal sphere violation)

I have to admit that being a product of the system - read materialistic and shallow person (yes you can stop reading and leave now) I do place a sad amount of importance in my work, business and money. Generally, it has been proven that I cannot be a taitai (which accordingly to this site, loosely translates into “one has to have lots of leisure time, lots of money to spend and lots of gossip to exchange.” Sounds painful. Not the “lots of money to spend” part though. Hah!) When I am not raking in the dollars, I feel helpless, useless, powerless and generally , like a pile of crap. And by dollars, I mean Dollars. PS: That’s another weird thing about me. I don’t like to go into specifics about money. I find it rather crass. I get extremely uncomfortable when people ask me about how much I paid for my diamond jewellery/ bags/ shoes/ whatever. It’s my quirk, bear with me. If I am comfortable with you, I will share such details with you voluntarily. Else, asking me things like how much I am paid, is simply quite gauche.

PPS: This is not to say that homemakers are “helpless, useless, powerless or like a pile of crap”. I respect homemakers and stay home mums immensely for the effort and sacrifice they make for their families. It’s just not my cuppa tea. I don’t appreciate it when people twist my words into contortions of another realm. Moreover, I belong to an entirely different demented species. I cannot rest till I am pushing myself with sadistic challenges to juggle multiple roles at the same time. Otherwise I get bored and restless.

On the domestic front, some facts upfront. I can cook, bake, keep a clean home. I’ve hosted dinner parties. I have taken maternity and unpaid leave to take care of my two children till they were both 1 year old, before resuming work. Breastfed the elder one for close to a year and the younger one for four years (not a case of favouritism here, it’s a matter of the children’s preferences and self weaning). Yes, I did. But yet, I don’t see myself as a homemaker or a stay home mum in a full time capacity now. It’s just not me. I can’t say if in another few years I might mellow down and be utterly contented with being a full time homemaker. We are still discussing if we should have another child in like, three years’ time and by then, Ger would be 13 and Gean, 8. Perhaps by then, I would be fine with not just taking a year off from work, but to do it permanently. So, domestic goddess… NEXT.

On the emotional front, I am not known as a warm person. Don’t get me wrong. I am a loyal steadfast friend and you can count on me to be there for you as a friend, even if I don’t agree with your chosen path or decisions. I will tell you honestly what I think, but I will still be there for you when you slam up against the wall without saying “I told you so“. I have kept a friend company till 5am in my hospital room when I was warded simply because she needed someone to talk to. However I have also written people out of my life (and I believe I will continue to) when I deem them to be of a toxic nature. You know, people who are simply not worth it even though you have extended your sincere friendship to them, all they do is to abuse it. I can be a very good friend but I am not a doormat. Oh, and I have a limited patience towards whiners and people who complain all the time and yet do nothing whatsoever to rectify their problems, so the whining and complaining continues to eternity. I am extremely repelled by negativity.

But what I simply cannot and will not forgive is betrayal. Instances of betrayal would be - telling what I told you in confidence to someone else in gossip, stealing my boyfriend (yeah, it happened, and it was my childhood friend who stole my first boyfriend), telling my boyfriend to choose between his friends and me (yes, what a wonderful friend) etc.

Does that make me cold? Heartless? I don’t know, you tell me. I do feel that friendships can be so disappointing sometimes. People can be so disappointing.

But I digress, as usual.

Back to topic. Although I’m not an emotional person (indeed, Big had oft commented that I am seldom excitable), I do try. I seem cold, but I am nothing like that. I appreciate thoughtful gestures and am happy when I receive gifts/ surprises of sorts. It’s just that… I don’t express it too much outwardly. I wonder what it means in psychology. I am a crybaby though. I cry like a tap on demand when it comes to sad movies/ advertisements/ stories/ whatever. I cried at my children’s concerts. I cried after childbirth. Can a cold person be so emotionally vulnerable? I think not.

I think it’s precisely that people can be so disappointing, that I have learnt to protect myself with a prickly and anti social exterior. It’s like, no expectations, no disappointment, no? Sad, but true.

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On having morals and principles, I’d like to think my parents brought me up well. I have a set of principles, beliefs and morals that I like to set my life by, and though some might like to call it being uptight, I beg to differ - it’s called being answerable to one’s self and being upright. I might object to having extra-marital affairs, sleeping around promiscuously and treating the sacred vows of marriage shabbily, but does that make me judgmental? What is the definition of judgmental anyway? Merriam Webster says it is being characterized by a tendency to judge harshly. Hence, there is a very fine line between being upright and self righteous, and between being judgmental and having your own set of beliefs.
So, I object to doing these things myself and I detest people telling me I am being uptight. Do I have to have an affair to show you I am an open minded person? Do I have to drink myself silly to show that I am a fun person? Then so be it I am a prude then! Crazy times, crazy people.

So what of people who choose to live in a way that I don’t agree to? I simply choose to distance myself from them. I don’t rain fire and brimstone on them , not unless they defend their way of life by dissing mine. A fine example would be - binge drinkers condemning others for not drinking or drinking moderately, and having a tunnel vision of people dying from cancers anyway/ eating unhealthily and dying anyway/ healthy athletes dropping dead anyway/ so we might as well drink and make merry since we die from other causes anyway. I will not bother to argue with such stupidity except to say, keep away from me, for fear that such stupidity is contagious. You choose your way or life and your friends. I choose my way of life and my friends. Life can be so simple, without people choosing to complicate matters.

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So what kind of a person I am? I am still contemplating on this deep dark issue. A simplistic summary would be to say that I believe in all the good simple things of life. To try and live as healthy as I can, that is to say I don’t smoke, have a few drinks from time to time, not indulge in sinful foods all the time (I try!). To work hard for what I want in life and not dream of Toto and 4D. To make things happen and not wait for luck and opportunities to come knocking. To appreciate the finer luxuries of life and yet enjoy the simplicity of daipai stall and hawker food. To be down to earth and staying away from pretentious frou frou and the “Keeping up with the Joneses” complex. To be a better friend. To be a better mother. To be a better person.